Man it seems that anytime I do a blog its usually when I am at my worst. I know that in some very small way it does helping getting it out. And it does feel good to know that people read and know how I feel. Just in case I get to the point of doing something stupid. And like any other post and any other day I am yet again at a bad one. I notice that it usually happens when I hurt. But this last time and it now I notice is happening longer and in reoccurring in a shorter time period. The one thing that worries me the most now is that it is now starting to scare me, and it does take alot to scare me. I guess I will start with the pain today. Now I may get a bit religious in this, and from me and my current belief into such is becoming weaker and cynical. It does help when I need to point blame so there are good points to it. But as I was saying I thank God for giving me a very high thresh hold for pain. I cant imagine what it would be like if I could not take as much as I do on a normal basis....

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That's what he told me. There was so "Sweetie" or explanation. Just him treating me like I'm not a person. He's all I have left and honestly, it's getting STALE. My views and opinions and everything I care about...it doesn't matter. He doesn't care. \

Nobody cares.

I guess it's just popular to not care.

So now, with a herniated disc, a family who hates me, and nobody by my side...I might end up alone, depressed, and scared. With no one to love me or anyone who cares. I can't take it.

On this day of February 17th, 2011:


Well, I did better on this chemistry exam than the last one.
But, I still didn't do as well as I would have liked, in spite of completely acing the hardest question on the test that was worth the most points.
I think the mechanisms got me, I have a bad feeling they were both way off. Usually this is my strong point.

Dunno what's happening to me. I've not been right lately. I KNOW the material. I UNDERSTAND the material. Why I can't get my brain to let it out...I've never had problems taking tests before. I did well in the first section of this course, which is harder. What's going on?

I'm stressed, I'm so stressed. It's so hard to explain. I've been feeling like shit lately, severe headaches for the last two weeks. Everyday my head pounds. I'm sleeping, at least I think I am, but I have no energy. I feel so crappy. I'm not particularly in good spirits, I'm frustrated, I'm cold.

It's not school per se. School...

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Well, I'm back. I've been shoulders deep in stupid political science homework, reading, notes, lectures, and life. I've had some kind of infection for like a month and have gotten sicker and sicker and haven't been able to do much.

I called the local not for profit hospital, and they said they cannot take new people until NOVEMBER?! What? Do I have to DIE to get into your little club? They did not tell me where else to go or try to help. They just hung up, all business. And I sobbed, thinking this infection was really gonna be the killer infection, this time, couldn't do ANYTHING. Now, I have no insurance. My medical bills run me about $600 a month for meds alone. I haven't been seeing my DR for months because I can't afford it.
All I can afford is therapy. And if I am too sick to go, well, you do the math. NOTHING HAPPENS. After months without a panic attack, this week I had two in 24 hours. TWO! My PTSD and anxiety with it is out of control. And now my normal doc wants to switch my...

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Welcome to The Rant Shack, a pretty self explanatory shack. Why a shack, well why not? Xavious has a massive Stump and implore you all take what you will from that statement.

Swiftly moving on; Whenever I'm at a supermarket and witness a person paying for their groceries from a envelope fat with money I always become a little wary. One has to wonder where did that money come from and under what circumstances did the money end up stuffed fat into the envelope?

I mean, there is a slight implication of sordidness when someone produces an envelope of money; most people use wallets, purses or just ordinary pockets. Envelopes or packets of money are often associated with shady deals, under the table behind the back sort of affairs so it's no wonder that their sudden presence invokes a watchful eye.

This is even more true when the envelope happens to be brown. Sadly politicians and their ilk have ruined the brown paper envelope for everyone but I guess that's of little surprise, after all...

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