I've been so god damned frustrated the last couple days. BF left to his dad's house for two days and left me all alone in this freezing cold basement all alone. I've got nothing to do and I hate it. Even if I had things to do - I wouldn't have the damn energy to do anything.

It's still hitting home that my one happiness in life, Gigabyte, is dead. He's gone. As if the urn wasn't enough to bring it home that he's dead...it's so quiet here and lonely. I've no money to adopt a guinea pig right now and I doubt any guinea pig rescue would even let me foster. This soul-sucking depression isn't getting better. I hate that I have to rely on others to take me places because I'm waiting on my license and that I'm not already registered for fall to attend school. I hate that I'm so lonely and pissed off that when I go to sleep, all I dream of is me going psycho on all my demons.

I'm angry, depressed, and confused. I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

Maybe I'm just exceptionally depressed today, because of this whole week. On Monday I got my car, and me and BF's dad drove it back. So then we had to take his dad back down to Denver and the BF took them. An hour later I get news that they got hit by a truck...while they were in a tiny Corolla. I was so scared for them. I got no info from the ER or family members in the ER with them. I had to stay home and watch the in-law's children. Finally at 4am, they came home from the ER.
BF had a bill of $3,000, moderate to severe whiplash, deep tissue bruising, and a dislocated shoulder. He's still hurting. They put him on so much vicodin that you would think he'd drop dead, but he's still in a bit of pain. His neck and back are so swollen and he's been sitting upstairs by the fireplace, just not wanting to hear anything. :/ On top of that, the person who hit them was a drunk driver who was "not drunk enough to be charged" and he had open containers he was pouring out IN FRONT of the...

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So I turn 19 in about 4 hours. I feel so very old. At night I can't sleep and all day I worry. To top it all off, many horrible things happened the last few days, such as...

1) I lost my job. The employer said I "didn't smile enough". WHAT?! What kind of BS is that? It didn't pay enough anyw/ay...

2) My guinea pig, Gigabyte, almost died! The second I got out of that job, Gigabyte got sick. This ended in a visit to the vet, then a visit to the ER vet the next Saturday, THEN two more vet visits. The damage? Around 500 or more. Money left over? Next to none.

3) THEN, Mallow the hamster got sick, he got a scratch on his eye and had to go to the specialist vet on a Saturday night. $130 gone in a few moments.

4) I don't have my car yet. Not having money for it sucks, and the only car I want happens to be a stick shift, which I can't drive. I'm a space case already. Let's not give me the chance to practice being confused. Mother still offered to foot $2000 cash for a car, any car....

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After my grandma died about ten years ago, my family's slipped apart and away from each other. We hid and moved houses, schools, jobs, and chose drugs to duct tape ourselves together and make it through a day. Mine happened to be the only one that wasn't narcotic.
By the time I was four, I used to read my crappy soft cover copy of "Black Beauty" by Anna Sewell daily. I internalized everything. The only time I was outgoing was at grandma's. I went there every summer, to Iowa. Where the air is damp, and filled with the sweet smell of wild flowers, fresh cut grasses, and sweet hay about to be harvested. My siblings, cousin, and the rest of the family got together. My blind and deaf grandpa made breakfast every single day and we got up early for it (he was a great cook, and very quiet, I remember). That tiny little house was my life. Me and my cousins and siblings played Sonic on what I believe was the Dreamcast.
But their house burned down (no fatalities) and they had to build...

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My boyfriend's mom let me stay on conditions that I get a job, car, and move out soon. She's real nice. But I couldn't bring my dog. My mother found out I was trying to put her in foster care with a real nice schnauzer rescuer and she flipped out and changed the locks, threw me out, and is just not being helpful. I have not played with or seen my dog for a few weeks. I keep seeing stuffed animals that look like her and I cry every time.

It's nice here. Quiet, somewhat, but not restricting. It's nice to be wanted here. My guinea pig (Gigabyte) and my hamster (Mallow) came with me. They're really happy here, and having the time of their little lives running around, playing, and hamming it up. The only drawbacks are that we're toughing it by working hard seasonal jobs and such, but it's not so hard.

And my boyfriend landed a job, so it's great! I'm close to getting a car soon, and I am so excited. It's a 1994 Camry, I can't afford the best but it's pretty close to it. I also paid off my...

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